You are an assassin. A little girl has just come up to you, handed you all her pocket money and asked you to kill her abusive relative.
Plot twist: You give her back her money and kill that asshole for free
Deadpool (2016)
(via kenadian-pride)
human: *is heating up food*
alien: why are you doing that?
human: you see i want the particles in my food to vibrate at just the right frequency
Human: *is eating ice cream*
alien: wait you forgot to make that one vibrate!
human: well, you see, not with this food
This one is already vibrating at he desired frequency, but if it starts to vibrate at a higher frequency I lock it back in the cold box.
Human: *just reheated pizza in the oven*
Other human: *is eating a slice of the same pizza, but cold*
Alien: *exasperated sputtering*
Human: shots! shots! shots!
Alien: this liquid has negligible nutritional value and, furthermore, contains some molecules that I believe are poisonous to your species.
Human: …look, sometimes we just like to gather in social groups and disorient ourselves
(via kenadian-pride)